When Our World Suddenly Changed

I’m saying this not for pity, sympathy or attention. I’m saying this because I feel like it needs to be said.

            On Father’s Day this year we were delighted to discover we were expecting our second child. June 19, 2016, will always stand out in my head as a special day. We would soon be a family of four, Jameson would be a big brother. Our family would be complete. We were beyond excited, nervous and thankful.

            You see to fully understand where we are you have to know our story. In July 2012, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I’ll never forget that feeling of seeing two lines on that test. We were going to be first time parents. I remember going to buy the cutest little bib and onesie I could find on short notice. I left it in our bathroom for Jared to find after work that day. Sadly, this was our first of two false positives or chemical pregnancies. The egg was fertilized but did not attach. It was a hurt I couldn’t explain. I didn’t have time to really wrap my head around being pregnant before it was gone. I did mourn the loss but it was more of the loss of an idea more than anything.

We suffered this same loss again in September of 2012. I won’t say it was easier but the hurt was different. I think by this point we had just learn to not believe it. I would tell myself it isn’t real until you see it on that screen or the doctor tells you it is. We told ourselves at least it happened now and we hadn’t seen the baby yet. At least it was just an idea not so real. We did everything we could to justify it.

In November of 2012, I would find out I was pregnant again. As you can imagine I didn’t believe the first test, or the second, third, fourth or fifth. Somewhere around the tenth or eleventh test I took I began to let myself believe it might be true. We might really be parents. We kept our news to ourselves because we were scared. On November 28, 2012, we went to the doctor and we saw that beautiful baby on the screen. We heard that beautiful sound every hopeful parent to be is waiting for, the heartbeat. It was by far the best sound I had ever heard in my life.

            After a perfect pregnancy on July 10, 2013, we welcomed our first child to the world. We were beyond thrilled. Sure the journey may have had a few bumps but we were blessed with a perfect 8 pound 6 ounce little boy. Jameson Paul Powell would change our world in more ways than one. He was what we had been praying for. He made us parents. He made us more than a couple but a family.

  

In April of this year we decided to start trying for another child. We had gone back and forth about it and decided now was the time. Jameson was almost 3 and we were finally ready to make him a big brother. On June 19^th we found out we were expecting baby number two. After a near perfect pregnancy with Jameson we had no reason to expect anything less than that with this pregnancy as well.

            On July 15^th we went in for our first appointment. I think every pregnant woman in the world is nervous that first appointment, but there it was our perfect little second child. Everything was perfect! A strong heartbeat of 171, measuring right on track. Due February 21, 2017. We breathed a sigh of relief, everything was ok. Ready or not here comes baby Powell number 2.

            We told our family, close friends, bosses and some co-workers. We were thrilled! We decided like most couples to wait until our 12 week appointment to tell the rest of the world, you know make it Facebook official.  We took pictures of Jameson announcing to the world he was going to be a big brother.

            On Friday, August 5^th, we went back to the doctor. We weren’t as nervous. There was no reason to be. Everything was going well. I was still feeling sick, I had no cramping, no bleeding, no reason to believe anything would be less than perfect. We went for our second ultrasound. There was our baby, it looked like a baby this time. But then the words I never expected came out of the ultrasound tech’s mouth, “here is the head, legs, arms, here is where the heartbeat was last time… I’m sorry but there isn’t one today.” Time stopped!

            We were escorted down the back hallway where the doctor came right in to talk with us. She told us anything could have gone wrong and we would never know exactly what it was. I can still hear that list of things in my head on repeat…. Two eggs combined into one, two sperm fertilized one egg, too many chromosomes, not enough, some type of genetic disorder. It didn’t matter why the fact was our baby no longer had a heartbeat. Our baby was gone and I didn’t even know it had happened.

            The next little bit was a blur. We went over to the hospital to set up the D&C, have bloodwork done and such. I sat there in tears, trying to process how everything had suddenly turned upside down. How could this happen? How could I not know? What was I going to do? What were we going to do? J sat there holding my hand doing all he could to just let me know I was ok, we were ok.

            Tomorrow we will have the D&C and our baby will really be gone. That brings me to why I’ve told this whole story. We are broken right now. The hurt we felt after a false positive was nothing compared to this. We had always said it would be worse to lose a baby after seeing him/her and hearing his/her heartbeat. We had no idea how true that was. I’ve never once felt this type of gut wrenching heartache. This helplessness. This type of unexplainable hurt.

            BUT here is what I’ve come to realize after much prayer. I don’t have to go on about my life as if this baby didn’t exist because he/she did. His/her life did and does mean something. He/she was and is loved beyond belief. We will always be a family of four. Jameson is a big brother. We do have 2 children. We just won’t meet one this side of Heaven.

            No, we aren’t ok yet. No, we are nowhere near over it. No, this isn’t our way of saying it was ok or that we understand. But this is our way of saying this baby deserves to be remembered. They deserve for the world to know they existed, if only for a short while. We may never hold them or kiss their little face but they will NEVER be forgotten.

We have many hard days ahead. Some will probably be harder than others. We ask that if you’ve taken the time to read this whole story that you will keep us in your prayers. That you will take the time to remember our baby.

Baby Powell

May 2016 – August 2016

Forever our Angel