7 Days, 168 Hours, 10,080 Minutes, 604,800 Seconds

It's been one week since our world turned upside down. That's 7 days, 168 hours, 10,080 minutes, 604,800 seconds since everything suddenly changed and yet it seems as if it has been years. Maybe that’s because this has been the hardest week of my entire life. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve been watching my life from the outside looking in. Maybe it is simply because I keep hoping I’m going to wake up from this nightmare. But, every morning I wake up and here I am living out my biggest fear come true.

It’s funny how one moment in your life can change your whole outlook. As a Christian I knew I had to lean on God to get me through this mess. I knew there was no other way I’d survive. What I didn’t know was how to do it. I felt lost, confused, alone, guilty and like I had failed everyone including myself.

For the first few days I cried non-stop. Jared would hold me and ask what he could do to make it better and all I could do was cry. I was sure deep down he hated me for not keeping our baby safe enough to survive. After all, I hated myself.

Everything made me think of how it was my fault; from the nurse asking routine questions at my pre-op appointment to our preacher saying blessings are taken away from those who aren’t faithful. I just knew it was all my fault and the guilt of that was about to swallow me whole. I mean that is a mom’s job, to protect and keep her children safe and yet, somehow I had failed without even knowing it.

I began praying Saturday that God would help me understand. I begged Him to hold me in His arms, to give me some type of peace or comfort. I knew I needed Him like I had never needed Him before. Besides if anyone could understand the hurt and heartbreak of losing a child it would be Him.

I spent more than 2 hours in the shower that night on my hands and knees crying out to God. I needed Him! By Sunday morning I began to hear His soft voice saying you aren’t alone. I’m here.

We went to church like we do most Sundays and I’ll admit it was more out of habit than anything else. As the choir began to sing “You’re a Good, Good Father” by Chris Tomlin I stood there sobbing. That song had been playing in my head off and on since I had heard on the radio Friday morning. The song says:

Oh, and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide

But I know we're all searching

For answers only you provide

'Cause you know just what we need

Before we say a word

You're a Good, Good Father

It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are

And I'm loved by you

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

'cause you are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways to us

         That’s the moment I felt God really start to move. You see I started to see I had been searching for answers within myself. What did I do wrong? How did I mess this up? At that moment I realized only God could provide me with the answers I was looking for.

         As I continued to stand there crying I heard the chorus as if it was a flashing neon sign sent right to me.

And I'm loved by you

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

WOW! I hated myself but God loved me. How could that even be? I started to realize as I stood there listening to my husband sing along next to me while holding my hand that I was letting the devil tell me lie after lie. I was letting the devil use this awful time in my life to pull me into his web of lies. I had let my guilt and sense of failure be so used against me that I was convinced Jared hated me. I was convinced there was no way he could ever love me after I lost our baby.

In that moment I could feel my Savior holding me in His arms. He was giving me exactly what I had been praying for. He was telling me I am loved. I can search in myself for answers all day long but somethings only He knows. And just as I began to put all of this together I heard these words:

'cause you are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways to us

After some time at the alter Sunday with Jared and I holding on to each other and crying out to God while surrounded by our friends, I began to really feel the comfort only God Himself can provide. I began to realize I will make it through this. We will make it through this.

I still feel a sense of guilt and failure but I’ve come to realize I didn’t do anything wrong. I took my prenatal vitamins, I ate healthy, I continued to exercise, I didn’t drink, smoke or do wild and crazy things. I followed the rules. I did everything like you are supposed to. It just wasn’t God’s will for this baby to be born. He needed him/her in heaven more than we needed him/her here on earth. Somehow along the way I had found a sense of peace about it.

No, I wasn’t ok and I’m certainly not over it. I don’t know that I ever will be. I haven’t stopped crying about it although the tears are less frequent. My heart still feels like it has a giant hole right in the middle of it. Yet, I have an unexplainable peace that says I’m not alone. I will survive.

There have been many times throughout the last seven days, 168 hours, 10,080 minutes, 604,800 seconds that I’ve found myself feeling hopeless, guilty and like a failure. I’ve had many moments where I’ve had to fight to keep it tougher for fear if I started to cry I’d never stop again. Like when the maternity pants I ordered showed up in the mailbox or when we had to return the diapers we had already began to stock pile. But it’s in those moments when God sends a sign of hope. A rainbow if you will.

For example on Monday as they rolled me to recovery following my D&C I was in a panic. I was crying “my baby is gone, my baby is really gone.” I began to beg the nurse to please go get Jared in my hysterical panic. I told her I needed him right then. She told me my heart rate was too high and I would have to calm down first. I immediately asked her if she was a Christian. She told me she was so I asked her to pray with me. I told her I was teacher so I understood if she wasn’t allowed to pray with me but without a single second of hesitation she grabbed my hand and began to pray. Within a few minutes I had calmed down enough for my heart rate to even out and she immediately went to get Jared. I needed the comfort of The Lord in that moment. I needed His love and I knew I couldn’t get to it on my own. He knew I’d need Him and placed someone right in my path to help me find my way.

 On Wednesday I checked the mail to find the maternity pants I had just ordered for work. There is nothing quite like that kind of slap in the face to bring all of the emotions you were trying so hard to keep inside right back to the surface. After coming inside and crying over that stupid box for at least 30 minutes I finally got myself together and opened my Timehop. I found this memory from 2013:

         What a perfect reminder God hears our prayers. He heard my cries all those years ago for a husband who would turn to Him and would lead his family into worship with The Lord. Sure, it may have taken years for me to find the answer to that prayer but God provided. He heard my cries. I needed that reminder as I cried out to The Lord to heal my broken heart.

         We’ve still got a long way to go, but we want to take the time to thank all of you for your prayers, love and support. We are making progress within the healing process and we know with God on our side we will find hope, comfort and total peace even in this difficult time. Words will never be able to express how much each phone call, text, comment, card, meal, hug and prayer have meant to us. It is because of this and God’s love that we are able to face tomorrow even when our world still feels upside down.

Chris Tomlin's Good, Good Father 

via YouTube