One year ago, on July 15th I heard the sound that now haunts my dreams. It brings me both extreme happiness and sadness at the same time. It is the sound every parent to be longs to hear. It’s the sound that lets you know everything is ok. It is the moment it starts to officially feel real. That moment when you hear your baby’s heartbeat for the first time.
On July 15th, we would hear your perfect little heartbeat for the first and only time. A sound I can still hear when I close my eyes and think of you. It was the sweetest sound. A perfect, healthy and strong 171 beats per minute. I wish I would have listened longer. I wish I would have asked her to keep the sound on through the entire ultrasound but I thought we’d have more time. If I had only known.
I still remember the day I heard Jameson’s heartbeat for the first time. It was November 28, 2012. On November 28th, every year I think of that sweet memory and how it was the moment I really began to feel like I was going to be a mom. It was the moment I began to let myself plan for a future with a child. On July 15, 2016, I began to do the same thing again. I thought about names, nursery themes, how to really prepare Jameson to be a big brother. Only this time I took for granted it would all work out.
This year the day isn’t filled with those happy memories as I imagined it would be. Instead I’ve found myself wishing it would just pass on by. It reminds me that your perfect little heartbeat would soon stop. In a few weeks, it will be a year since we learned you had silently gone to be with Jesus. We’d never get to hold you, hear you cry or hear that sweet sound of your heartbeat again.
I’d be lying if I said this year hasn’t been a struggle. I think of you all of the time. I lay awake at night and wonder who you’d be, who you’d look like, if you were a boy or girl, if you’d have your big brothers outgoing and wild personality or if you’d be more laid back. I see other babies that are close to the age you should be and I wonder if you’d be sitting up by now and getting your first teeth too. I wonder if you’d like the beach like me or be more of a fan of the AC like your daddy. There are so many things we will never get to know and that might be part of what hurts the most. We lost the chance to really get to know you.
There is no understanding why your heart stopped. There was no reason to be found. I’ve begged for answers, I’ve looked for reasons. I needed something to tell me why your strong heart suddenly stopped. Some have said it wasn’t meant to be but I can’t believe you weren’t meant to be our child. Some say you must have had something wrong with you but you will always be our perfect angel in my eyes. Some say I should be over it by now but I’ll never be over the loss of you. Some say you can always have another child but another child won’t replace you. You’ll always be our second child. You’ll always be our sweet baby P.
July 15th, might always be hard. It will be the day I remember the one time I got to hear your perfect little heartbeat. The one time I got to see you move around on that screen so full of life. The one time your daddy and I held hands, smiled ear to ear and stared at the perfect angel you were. But it will also be the day I remember it’s ok to not be over you, it’s ok for me to cry because you were our child. You were as real as anyone and that kind of loss doesn’t just heal or go away. I may have never held you in my arms but I’ll always hold you in my heart.
We love you sweet baby P!
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