Another Friday!

 

 

Friday may never mean the same thing to me, for it was a Friday when my world turn upside down. It was Friday when I heard the four words that will forever haunt my dreams “there is no heartbeat.” Fridays are hard! It’s just another week without the baby I desperately wanted. The baby I love with all of my heart but never met. The one I’m supposed to be over the loss of but my heart can’t move on from yet.

            As I lay here tonight still awake, even after taking the medicine I now have to take to even fall asleep without seeing that ultrasound and hearing those words on repeat in my head, I’m reminded its Friday and my heart hurts. I lay here with the thoughts of you in my head. What would you look like? Who would you have acted like me or your daddy? Would you be just as wild as your big brother or more laid back? Would you have his same big blue eyes and cotton top hair? I’ve dreamed of you a thousand times but my heart still breaks.

            As I lay here I think it has to stop hurting so much. At some point it has to get easier. My heart can’t stay in these pieces forever. I look at your big brother and I see the works of God and I wonder how could the same God who created this perfect little ball of energy take you away. I wonder how He couldn’t save you. I wonder what I did wrong. I’ve been over the list of things I could have done differently millions of times and I can’t seem to find an answer and my heart just breaks.

            As I lay here I cry out to God “I just want my baby back.” I cry into my pillow and beg the world to turn back time. BUT, I’ll wake up tomorrow and the truth will hit me again and I’ll start the process to another Friday over again, but tomorrow won’t be so bad.  Tomorrow will be Saturday and it won’t kick me in the gut and shatter my heart quite as hard. I may still be broken but I’m trying to find my way in this new normal.